New year, new beginnings...
A couple times a year, I am forced to sit up with a start, ponder about life and where mine is taking me. One is around my birthday and the other is around this time of the year. This is supposed to be a time to stay around family and friends, share the holiday spirit and all that jazz. However I am a muddle of emotions as I sit in front of my laptop, logged into work. Why is there so much confusion, frustration, restlessness when I should be thankful to be alive and feel lucky to have material comforts (and a bit more) than some other unfortunate people out in the world. A feeling of, dare I even say the word - loneliness (oh no - I said the word out aloud!) and a feeling that something is missing. Tears seem to have a way of making their way up very quickly along with a big lump in my throat and a sense of being overwhelmed stays with me more often than before.

A friend of mine said he got the feeling of nesting around this time of the year - I dont know if I relate to that per se but yes, it surely makes me homesick or want to be with someone special - you get the drift. Here I am wondering where this year went, what I accomplished personally and professionally, where I am emotionally, what I wanted to do this year but couldnt get to because of other more "important" things (believe me - I have a whole myriad of excuses tucked away, just ask and you will know :>)

Anyways - every time around December, I tell myself the upcoming year is going to be fantastic, I am going to do x,y,z to achieve certain goals, things I want will magically fall into place, everything will be fine and dandy. Optimistic start but as the year goes by and I get caught up in the day to day trivia, somehow things seem to unravel and by Christmas time here I am once again thinking about the same things. This year instead of just saying next year is going to be great, I think I need to take a different approach. I have resolved to not be passe and do something other than the usual routine.

Here's what I am going to call my "Not" list and so far, these are the offenders to make it to the list:
- Work long hours so that I can atleast understand the meaning of work/life balance (whatever that might be; guess I will find out)
- Expect people to care about me just because I care about them
- Make excuses for why someone did or didnt do what I was hoping they would
- Feel let down when someone is not completely honest about their life
- Have unrealistic hopes that my feelings will be returned with the same intensity
- Be naive about matters of the heart thinking emotions and feelings are enough and I can feel for the other person too
- Feel a sense that I let myself down because I could not understand or interpret someone accurately
- Let a sense of comfort overpower other factors that make up a situation
- Let people take me for granted
- Spend time trying to work out impossible situations
- Get stuck within my comfort zone, stopping me from seeking and bringing change
- Holding on to a shadow and a thought (ok I stole that line from Aragorn in the LoTR movie but its so true) and not letting go quicker than I should

As any girl who watches 'Sex and the city' will remember, these words, spoken by Carrie, ring so true - Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Here's to a fabulous year ahead and just maybe I will actually find that the new year ahead brings with it changes and a refreshing new outlook that is so needed!!

Art for sale ..
The occasion - the annual holiday art show. The venue - Chastain arts center where I learn chinese brush painting. The reason it has special significance - two of my paintings are on display there along with a myriad of other great art work.

I was a bundle of mixed emotions today when I saw them hanging at the gallery next to art work from other students. I felt thrilled that I had created something that was actually worth displaying yet on the other hand, felt saddened too at the thought that if they actually sold, I would never see them again. Parting is such sweet sorrow wrote Shakespeare and I totally agree. There is also this tiny little voice in my head whispering that the paintings might not sell. Not to worry I tell myself, if that happens, I will gift them away to friends or hang them up on the walls at home.

At another art show earlier this year, I had displayed only one painting at my teacher's behest but had no idea that someone would actually buy it. So I was quite pleasantly surprised when I walked into the art director's office thinking I would pick up my painting and he said - no, you cant. When I asked why he said - you cant pick up your painting but you can pick up a check! My elation knew no bounds since this was the first time I had actually sold a painting. The coolest part was someone actually appreciated what I had painted and my painting is hanging in someone's kitchen or living room now. Didnt hurt that I got a nice check I promptly deposited and of course I called my family and friends to know that I had sold my first piece of art.

I dont know if my paintings will catch someone's eyes this time as well or if they will buy it but the high I felt seeing my art on display was enough to make my day today. For the duration of time I work on a painting, I am lost to all problems and stress that are part of everyday life. I savor those moments of creativity, my mind empties itself of all thoughts, focusing solely on what I am trying to portray on the paper. The intensity of the colors, the shades and shapes I am trying to achieve is such a rush. The creative process is therapeautic indeed. Each of my paintings is a labor of love to me and creating something others can appreciate is definitely worth striving for.

"Art is a way of saying what it means to be alive, and the most salient feature of existence is the unthinkable odds against it. For every way that there is of being here, there are an infinity of ways of not being here. Historical accident snuffs out whole universes with every clock tick. Statistics declare us ridiculous. Thermodynamics prohibits us. Life, by any reasonable measure, is impossible, and my life—this, here, now—infinitely more so. Art is a way of saying, in the face of all that impossibility, just how worth celebrating it is to be able to say anything at all."
- Richard Powers